I Triggered My Social Anxiety On Purpose

For as long as I can remember I have always been uncomfortable in public spaces with groups of people, to the point of having physical symptoms of anxiety. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) defines social anxiety disorder as an “intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation.” My anxieties about public settings have been an obstacle throughout my life, preventing me from building my sense of independence and experiencing activities and events that I find intriguing. A study review done at the University of Pennsylvania, by Antonia N. Kaczkurkin, Ph.D., and Edna B. Foa, in 2015 argued that a form of exposure therapy, called in vivo exposure, was effective in reducing the symptoms of social anxiety. The Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders defines in vivo exposure therapy “as a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy that is used to reduce the fear associated with” triggers of a “specific thing, place, or situation.” In vivo’s objective is to train our brains to stop sending our bodies misinformation about triggers, thus minimizing the amount of anxiety we endure.

After reading about this therapy, I decided to conduct an experiment of forcing myself to go and spend time in public spaces as a form of in vivo exposure, ultimately in the hopes of reducing my anxiety regarding public spaces and especially being alone (not having the support of a companion).

My experiment consisted of hours that I had set aside to actively push myself into my anxiety triggers of public spaces until my fears declined into a neutral baseline. By the end of the week, I hoped that my brain would have started to recognize that my fears are not rooted in much logic and thus I would become conditioned to longer feel discomfort in public.

Thursday

I chose an activity that didn’t feel like it would pain me too much, so I did my homework in a Barnes & Nobles Starbucks Cafe. To many other people, doing homework in a coffee shop is nothing special or worrisome, but for me, it has always seemed like an unspoken student milestone to study in a cafe for the first time.

I left class and arrived at around 2 p.m. with the plan of leaving after an hour to ease myself into my experiment. I ordered a large caramel frappuccino with extra whipped cream as a reward for committing to the experiment, but also as an incentive to keep me in the cafe for the whole hour. I choose a timed-quiz style homework as my objective. Upon hitting the start button it was as if the universe wanted to spite me as a cafe of around 5 quiet people turned into a small rush hour. To say I was overwhelmed is an understatement. Five minutes into my homework and I felt like I was in a hell of sensory overload. The quiz timer counting down, the people chatting in line, the loud noise of the blenders mangling ice, and to add to my misfortune, I forgot to bring my headphones. Around fifteen minutes into the experiment I so desperately wanted to leave, but with the homework being a “done in one sitting” quiz I reluctantly stayed. During this time there was a sharp pain in my stomach, which seemingly was a physical symptom of my anxiety. Thankfully, a few minutes later the noise subsided, and concentrating didn’t feel impossible anymore.

I finished the quiz around the 45-minute mark of the experiment with a wave of relief. In the final minutes of the experiment, I finally let myself relax a bit. There was a light feeling of comfort where I sat. Being in the middle of others doing their work made me feel less self-conscious about being alone. I was just like everyone else there, a student sitting in a pile of homework while sustaining herself off of a highly-sugared beverage.

Friday

As anyone who deals with anxiety would know, sometimes a little anxiety attack can send us down a spiral. The plans made a week beforehand for this day were derailed in just seconds. I was supposed to be in a store shopping, but instead, I was mentally paralyzed and struggling to save whatever plans were left. After some time of deliberation, the plan was to go to my city’s public library and then go shopping with whatever time was left before leaving for work.

It felt strange being in a building I had never been in alone. Upon entering, I was feeling pretty uneasy; my thoughts were uncontrollably telling me that people were judging me for not knowing where I was going as I was awkwardly navigating the library. However, when I was able to tune out the anxious thoughts and sit alone, I found myself quite calm and focused on my work.

The hour flew by quickly and I promptly left. The shopping portion of my morning was quite enjoyable, which could have been due to having been to these stores numerous times over the years. First I went to a craft store and then moved on to the bookstore, which I enjoyed spending time in the most. My last store was a beauty store. I felt a bit awkward, as in the past my lack of knowledge of beauty products made me feel inadequate about shopping there. But upon finding a certain product in mind the shopping was done quickly.

My final goal of the day was to have lunch alone in public. I hated and dreaded this part the most. I had chosen a spot beforehand, but then I drove completely past it. I didn’t have the security or determination to eat out, much less to be alone somewhere new out of worry for my safety. But two out of three public outings is a prideful accomplishment for me. I believe that the experiment was already having some type of positive and impactful effect. I was much more secure in myself by the end of the day even though I didn’t realize it until I went home. I definitely felt more confident about the next day’s plans.

Saturday

When I was planning how to spend my days for this experiment I discovered that ConnectiCare was offering free yoga classes in various city parks throughout the state. Fortunately, for me, there was one on Saturday in a park close to my home, so off I went.

The stress I felt coming to the park differed from my previous outing, primarily because this was the first time I took an exercise class alone. Normally, I would have gone with my mother as she enjoys these types of classes. But now I had to exercise in public which only makes me feel self-conscious and fearful of being judged.

A slight case of nerves kicked in about a block before I got to the park as the realization that I was going to be close to strangers surfaced. Regret finally sank in as I was walking down the steps toward the field where a few ladies were already sitting. As the rest of the class arrived, I felt physically safe surrounded by older women. Besides freezing a good chunk of the time and being in pain from not stretching in months, the class overall was quite pleasant. Strangely, I didn’t feel as though the day was a full win, but neither was it a loss. It felt more like an easy mental exercise as opposed to the prior activities because I didn’t experience any strong anxious symptoms. The class was just a small wave, a little victory, but not the most gratifying. I realized that the experiment didn’t always need to be a large shift in my thought process, just a newfound sense of normality.

Sunday

The day was spent in downtown New Haven, as I’m familiar with the city. This was my first time getting to explore the city alone, so I was both excited and terrified at the opportunity. As to not overwhelm me with the pressure of spontaneity, I strictly chose a corner of the city to stay in. The experiment started at 10:30 am and this was the first time I felt physical symptoms of anxiety as I arrived downtown. I was very close to completely backing out of the excursion and in a moment of impulse I opened the car to force myself to pull through my anxiety.

The local Starbucks was my seeming place of refuge as I waited until it was time for the next planned activity. With a drink in hand, I tried to do some homework. However, with the overwhelming music and the crowd of people ordering, my productivity was little to none.

Finally, the day's main event started, and the Yale University Art Gallery opened. I spent three whole hours in the art museum, getting to know and enjoying the space without the interruption of other people. I felt completely comfortable and relaxed exploring the gallery and getting to take in the pieces of art. Putting in my earbuds and taking photos as I passed from room to room, floor to floor, I felt that I truly robbed myself of this experience for so many years. A sting of regret hit me, the kind that makes you feel like your chest is burning. I began to think of other moments in the past few years when I didn’t allow myself to visit somewhere new or try something I desperately wanted to do just because I was uncomfortable and anxious. I didn’t hate my past self because I only had the independence that my parents allowed. However, I was angry at the times when I could’ve chosen to go somewhere without needing their permission, yet I didn’t take the chance. I didn’t dwell on it much because the past is irreversible. The only discomfort felt the rest of the day was the glares of a few security guards, but that was minuscule compared to the joy of the day.

As I left the museum, the most annoying and frustrating part of the day came, having to eat. New Haven truly has the most wonderful places to eat, but unfortunately for me, none of the places I loved were within a five-minute walk. I spent around 10 minutes trying to find another nearby place to eat, but when nothing sounded appetizing, my limited options became just one. So I caved and chose a cafe that I at least liked from past outings. The act of eating alone was alright, however, I was met with a few stares from people already eating. It’s as if me simply walking by them to get my order was a great inconvenience for them. Some people are just weird in public so I didn’t take it as personally as I would have in the past, so one point towards personal progress.

With still an hour felt in the day, I allowed myself to be adventurous and went to a bookstore I have wanted to visit for ages. It felt as if everyone in the store came in with the purpose of finding a certain book so I was a bit self-conscious being the only person aimlessly wandering the store. With a book purchased, my day was done, truly the most satisfying experience and improving part of the experiment.

Wednesday

I had finally reached the last part of the experiment, and I chose a real nightmare: tango classes. This dance class was truly the ultimate escalation from doing homework in a coffee shop to having to dance with strangers. Truly, it didn’t hit me that I needed to dance with complete strangers until I was getting ready an hour beforehand. The visual thought of touching someone was unsettling. I was on the verge of panic as I was dressing, trying to discuss with my parents whether to go or not. Despite my worries, I went, at least to the studio’s parking lot.

From the windows outside all I could see was the instructors chatting. I waited in the car for other people to show up so as to not be the first there, but after 15 minutes, no one else showed. Weirdly enough the thought of being the only student with two instructors was worse than a class full of people. There is a strange comfort in the crowds where you can stay hidden, but I was not afforded that comfort that night.

After having been hit with a wave of anxiety that made it difficult to focus, I allowed myself to leave. In the past, I would simply quit with no thought and feel guilty afterward, and in the past few days, I forced myself into these public situations despite my worries. And yet this time was different, I gave myself permission to not go in as I knew my own limits. There was quite a bit of guilt that hung on me for backing out, but the experiment was at its end and I didn’t need to force myself into my form of public extreme. I am proud that I at least made it to the parking lot and saw that it was for me as opposed to staying at home.

Reflection

To anyone who struggles with social anxiety or any other form of anxiety that is triggered by public settings, forcing yourself to face the worst of your anxieties, fears, and thoughts is honestly an effective way to overcome them. That is not to say that my social anxiety is magically gone or that the persistent thoughts during this experiment won’t come again, rather I am equipped with the knowledge that I have at least survived them once and now have the confidence to face them again. I believe the experiment successfully trained my brain to minimize the amount of anxiety I will endure in public here and out. My social anxiety will never be eradicated, and in the future, I will probably continue to avoid places and events I deeply want to experience, but quitting will no longer be my first impulse.

Works Cited

“In Vivo Exposure Therapy for Treatment of Anxiety Disorders Delray Beach.” The Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders, https://www.centerforanxietydisorders.com/treatment-programs/in-vivo-exposure-therapy/. Accessed 26 September 2022.

Kaczkurkin, PhD, Antonia N., and Edna B. Foa, PhD. “Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety disorders: an update on the empirical evidence.” NCBI, 17 September 2015, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4610618/. Accessed 26 September 2022.

“Social Anxiety Disorder.” Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA, 19 October 2009, https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder. Accessed 26 September 2022.